A Letter for Lily
by Craz4writing
Summary: A last ditch effort.


Lily,

I've run out of ideas and I'm getting desperate. I know that it's not fair, and I don't have any right to say any of the things I'm about to, but I need you to know, I need you to understand, but more than anything else, I think I just need to get this all out in the open. I need to write it down and sort through it all, because in all honesty, I don't really understand it all myself. Just last year I was laughing at the poor saps who were playing at being in love, I mean we're just kids, what do we know about love? Nothing. We know absolutely nothing about love because we're children and it's such a grand concept that we couldn't possibly have grasped it's full meaning yet. Love has ended friendships, destroyed families and started wars. That used to baffle me, but you know what? I think I understand a bit better now than I used too.

Because if people are feeling even a fraction of what I'm feeling for you, then I can completely understand why they act like idiots and embarrass themselves. I've done my fair share of both. Because love makes you do things, it shouts over your better judgment, your conscious, your friends and completely consumes your mind until you can think of nothing else. And I may not understand what love is entirely, but I know what it feels like to love someone. Love is that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like you're going to up chuck all of your breakfast and it's the tightening of your windpipe because you've momentarily forgot how to breath. Love is, well shit Lils, it's horrible isn't it? It's the thing that stops you from doing something you want to do because you know a certain redhead wouldn't like it if you did that something. It's putting someone before yourself and being selfless. It's everything that everyone says it is, and so much worse. It hurts and when left unrequited you get nothing in return. It's frustrating and torturous. But you know what, none of that matters. Not really.

Because love isn't entirely horrible. It's the feeling of weightlessness you get when you get a smile or, if you're really lucky, a laugh. It's that feeling of purpose you get when you find a way to help out. It's the giddy feeling you get whenever you can make that one person truly happy. Loving someone is a big deal and it shouldn't be treated lightly. It's big, it's important, it's special and it deserves a long preamble and nonsense because when you fall in love, you give up a part of yourself and you give it to someone else. You don't get to choose who it is, you don't have any say in the matter, but I got lucky Lily. You see, the girl that I've fallen for is quite wonderful. She's kind, intelligent, funny, beautiful, friendly, brilliant and so many other things.

I know that I don't always do what I should and I don't always think of you before doing something stupid, but I'm learning. And that's sort of what I was getting at, we're just kids. I shouldn't be telling anyone that I love them because I don't know how to do that exactly. I'm seventeen and I'm selfish and thick and impulsive. I mean just writing this letter is all three of those things. Because you're happy with our friendship and with your boyfriend and sending you this letter is only going to confuse you or hurt you and almost definitely it will upset you. And I'm sorry for that, truly I am. I'm at my ropes end here and I don't know what else to do. It's quite the burden to bare, which is why I want to share it with you, why I _have_ to share it with you. I don't want all of this to be in my hands. I know that sending this is going to have consequences, but so while not sending it. I've weighed all my options and I've come to the conclusion that there's really no way for me to win. So here we go:

I want something with you. I want something real, something scary and big and different. I want to hold your hand while we walk to class and be justified in my jealousy when other blokes are all over you. I want to stop filtering what I say around you, I want to not be so nervous that you're going to figure it all out on your own. I want to be able to hold you when you're upset and kiss you when- well, all the time really. More than all of that, I just want you to be happy. So after this, if you never want to talk to me again, I understand, I'll hate it, but I'll understand. I want you to know that I'm here, I'm always going to be here and I'd do anything for you.

Lily, I love you. I love you and I'm going to let _you_ decide what to do with that because I've run out of ideas.

Love,

James

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**AN: I left it all fairly vague so you can add in the details to fit your own cannon timeline. **

**If you liked it, it would be quite nice of you to leave a review. **


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